So, we return to the number 23 and Cinnamon’s introduction to me, with invitation extended, to explore and play with the nature of meaning, discord, belief, love, and devotion. I’ll be honest, I thought I had a handle on things back at the end of December, when I fully intended to complete part 2 of this blog. However, integration of my time with Cinnamon has been so much more potent, deep, and intense than I could have been prepared for.
Catastrophe
This past October 2022, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer.
As of me putting these words down, she is on hospice at home being cared for by her fiancé. It may be a matter of days before she makes her transition.
I am heartbroken and my heart breaks for her. This disease has been brutal, and she has been in so much pain. It is so devastating to see her suffering. And as a friend pointed out to me, there is another kind of growing up that happens to us as our parents complete their lives. What does that feel like, or mean, to be half-orphaned?
For something that happens to everything that exists, it’s amazing how many different opinions, interpretations, musings, etc. have been made about death. 'And death shall be no more, death thou shalt die.' Death, another illusion, as there is no death or birth, just all pervading IS. Death, the final countdown! Death an end. Death a beginning. Death a release. Death, the judgement day.
Death.
I don’t want to be philosophical about this.
I want something that I can taste.
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Catalyst
So then.
What is the best offering of myself that I can make at the alter of the woman who birthed me? Who is so much more than that. A woman, who lives and has lived the totality of a life. Built herself of spoken and secret stories, hopes, dreams, feelings, opinions, bumps, bruises, fears, failings, and triumphs. Can I devote myself to being that offering? What does Cinnamon have to teach about what that offering even means ?
During my time with Cinnamon, I learned to call them the Spice of Devotion. In saying spice, I do mean in the culinary sense. A spice is an enhancement to a dish, sometimes a prominent enhancement, almost a centerpiece. And also, rarely is a single spice doing all the heavy lifting for a flavorful end result.
Though Cinnamon has the capacity, both medicinally and in flavor, to carry a whole healing or flavor profile on its own, Cinnamon is a master plant because they understand that the potency of their medicine is best when worked with as a catalyst. An addition that introduces a change. As Cinnamon says, 'I'm here to be a re-generator, a reminder - a little something that excites and brings you back to yourself, especially in the sensual sense - the smells, tastes, sounds, and feels of what it is to be and to live.'
If I had written this blog a month ago, I would have told you that the greatest offering of myself that I could give to my mom, or existence for that matter, was my devotion. Catastrophe, like Cinnamon, like Devotion, has been a hell of a catalyst and allowed me to see both my mom and Cinnamon for who they truly are. Which means, seeing myself for who I truly am. Inclusive of, and beyond my ideas, conceits, many stories, and judgments.
Devotion is a catalyst, a fuel, for the alchemical process, whether that is literal material alchemy or our own internal refining. However, it becomes volatile when mistaken for the end result. Sort of like too much Cinnamon in a dish, how quickly things go from delicious to... nasty.
Devotion can enhance our lives, be the inspiration, a catalyst, the ingredient that helps us not give up until we reach our goal. Devotion can give us a means of directing meaning as we learn what meaning really means to us (say that 10 times fast).
And also, we can lose ourselves to it. We can waste away in devotion, drunk on self-sacrifice; go to mental, emotional, and physical extremes in it. Forget the spice in life, and the sweetness.
In other words, there's no longer a catalyst to transform the bitter, flavorless, or meaningless into something that ignites our hearts and delights our senses. And we need that spice to live a good life and, hopefully, to die well whenever our time arrives.
Alchemy
Remember Discordiantism and the 23 Enigma? Leaving the number 23 aside, though grateful for it as a jumping off point, I want to sit with Discord. (Though, side note, I am literally just noticing now that I originally wrote this blog on 2/23/23... co-incidence?? - k 8/26/24)
Discord, quite literally, is defined as being in disagreement with the heart. And to me, our heart is where the truth of our life resides. When Devotion is centered rather than relating to it as a catalyst for alchemizing and enhancing our lives, we go into discord. We scramble for a meaning, and eventually a belief, for the sake of feeling secure in our Devotion rather than in the truth of our hearts.
So in living a life, we can be devoted to something in order to witness ourselves alchemize and transformation in our devotion to it. And depending on what we choose to be devoted to, we can see what kind of life we are choosing to live. If I want to live a good life, to be in Harmony rather than Discord, what do I choose to be devoted to?
As for me, I choose the truth of my heart. And in choosing to be devoted to that, I get to choose what life means to me. And I get to discover the source of that truth for myself.
Do we need meaning in order for us to really live? Maybe not.
Do I care for life to mean something?
I do.
I love life that much.
This then, is the dish I offer to my mom, flavored by that spice of devotion to my heart, my love of life, and my love for her. To be willing to choose that her life has meant something and that life is meaningful. To live and breathe that meaning into and in relation with all beings and in everything I do.
And, Cinnamon says: 'Don't forget: make plenty of life to share.'
Mom, thank you. I love you so much.
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My mom made her transition to the next realm 2/26/2023. Burn bright, mom - the sky's got a brand new beautiful star. ⭐️ ❤️
My mom and her Fiancé
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