Have you ever felt like you didn’t recognize yourself? Like you knew the person in the mirror was you, but you just couldn’t identify yourself as that person - couldn’t relate to who you were seeing?
Even after all the healing, all the work, the daily commitment to self, to embodiment, to integration - that person scared me. Because to be her - completely her, complete in her power, her grace, her fiery heart, her talent, her truth, her devotion, her being-ness - somehow meant that everything and everyone I knew and loved would be destroyed. Ultimately, yes, what I meant was that I would be destroyed.
So I detached, kept myself safe and hidden, and any time a glimmer of the full brightness of who I am shone through, I would retreat. And the strategy I thought was keeping me safe created constant tension, sorrow, loneliness, pain, and oddly enough, the best sense of a ‘self’ that I had. I only knew myself through those contractive faces of my experience. It became clear to me that despite the wounds, which had done their healing, I was still running away from life, from being fully, vibrantly alive. That really, I didn’t have any clue what being fully alive in this beautiful world meant.
And, as it goes, eventually, I was wiped out anyway.
Always fighting silent battles with everything around me. Exhausted from hiding, from keeping shut up and tamped down. In retrospect, it takes a lot of energy to keep me chained and keep my world manageable under the illusion of being ‘safe.’
So this song is my prologue. There’s a story I want to tell. It is my story.
Once upon a time, I was a star. And once upon a time, I was born into a body. Now, I am here.
Now, I want to listen to your story.
Maybe we’ll be able to recognize ourselves somewhere in the sharing? It’s possible, and I believe that our stories are not what define us as ‘being-ness’, but the stories we write of our lives are what give meaning to the life - they are the medium through which we know ourselves to be fully, vibrantly, alive.
The most honest thing I have ever admitted to myself (so far) about anything is ‘I don’t know… but what story do I want to tell about it?’
It’s not exactly the meaning of life, you know? And, let’s be real, if anyone ever figures that one out, I’m sure someone else will figure out the opposite and be just as convinced that they’ve ‘got it.’
So rather than trying to puzzle out the purpose of creation, I have decided I want to tell stories. Stories about love and, oh yes, heartbreak too. I want to tell stories about justice, accountability, and equality. I want to tell and share stories of inspiration and lifting each other up. I want to tell stories of first breaths, and final heartbeats and the ecstasy in between.
I tell my story, not just that I have overcome pain, obstacles, tests. Not only by the battles I’ve survived; but of my commitment to surrendering fully into every single experience (even if in hindsight) and the realization that there was never actually anything to overcome, only to let in.
This is how I write my world. And this is how I learned to recognize myself.
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Lyrics:
Fallen Star
Shaken, always escapin’
Yet askin’ for the keys to heaven
Dare I open up the door that
Shows me to my divinity
Or run away again, hiding from myself
Scared to face the fire of my desire
To burn brighter
Like a fallen star, I’ve come too far
Not to light up the dark
Here I am, in my mirror
And I ask her, ‘What do I do?’
‘Cause I just want to see through me
To immaculate Beauty
Or run away again, it’s too much to bear
Scared to face the fire of my desire
To burn brighter
Like a fallen star, I’ve come too far
Not to light up the dark
I’m too tired to run, I don’t want a fight
Throw myself into the fire of my desire
To burn brighter
I’m a fallen star, blazin’ a trail
Watch me light up the dark
Ooohs
Yeah watch me light up the dark, ‘cause I’m a fallen star
Ooohs
Watch me light up the dark
(Music)
Watch me light up the dark
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